I sorta hesitated about sharing this, but you know .. honest sharing in hope that some one elses experience and strength may be improved has been the foundation of my recovery from virtually everything in life..
If this helps just one person out there it will have been worth the possible shame or embarassment or fear of singling out myself or others… Be loving everyone Be kind to one another.
…you could be my partner who told me the same thing after being together eight years and 5 since my stroke. It was how it happened that still has me going through the odd day I still want to take my life. It’s much better and they are really spread out and I understand it is the pain of my injury screaming loudly at me. Telling me how badly I have been hurt. How deep my suffering is. I now know I just have to listen to it. Hold it’s hand and sit with it so it doesn’t have to suffer alone. It’s an awful feeling and I am not going to pretend that a lot of us don’t know what that is about. I’ve learned not to do anything. Just let the wave of pain pass like a scudding storm in the heat of summer. It will be okay. It will be okay. I have no effing clue what will be okay but I’ve come to trust that feeling. And you should too. .. Are you being selfish. yes you are. Very selfish. There is nothing wrong in that. Nothing at all. You need to look after yourself and have your needs met in life and caring and standing beside him will your future, your world, your dreams, your hopes have all been dashed and crushed and mangled beyond belief by this horrible tragedy. You bet you are in pain and want to run as hard and fast and far as you can. till you have to stop and put both hands on your knees and and fight off the sharp bitter pain clutching at your heart and literally squeezing the life out of it.. He probably even sees that. But he is totally powerless and is watching his life slip away from him like he’s sitting on a high speed train looking out the back window at 635km/hr. The wind is so ferocious he probably can barely breath let alone form a thought or have a conversation about this. It is what I have come to understand is a tragedy. A complete, meaningless, senseless, incoherent and above all brutal and devastating tragedy that has been visited upon you. The reason I am writing this is because it all in how you recognize this tragedy and what you want and decide to do about it. I want to flee too, He actually wants to flee this whole thing too, and he probably wants to flee with you. He no more wants to go back to what you once had either. He can’t. Ever. Even if he wanted to, just like you, his whole life has been yanked out from under his feet so completely that there is probably little hope left in his soul and the only thing sustaining him is that his brain injury has renedered him naive and unaware. The last thought the night before my partner started into what you just said above my last thought that night. And my first thought when I woke the next morning was. What one thing can I do today with my absolutely crushed abilities to make her life a little more wonderful. It’s all I ever wanted to do. But I’m not capable of that. I don’t blame her any more than I blame my condition. What I have come to understand is that both of us were handed a challenge and question we still are required to answer, struggle with, dive into the muck and filth and root around until we find that answer and pull it back out and wash it up. Clean it. Give it back the honour and place in my life it deserves. That work is going to have to be done by both of you and there will be no escaping it no matter where you run. The question is how are you going to respond to this. You can only respond. Tell yourself, how am I responding to this. If my favorite character did this in my favorite book how would I react. Would I understand their motives, Could I forgive them. Did it help, Does it even make sense. I can’t answer any of these or any of the other huge questions. They are huge and have blown a crater into both of your lives that has to be climbed out of. A circle of devastation, pain and bewilderment. Do you want him as a partner to make your way out of this because he will fight for you in unbelievable ways. It doesn’t matter to him one way or the other. He is going to be fighting for his life til the end of his days and knows you’ll be there or not.He knows in his heart there is no person there for him that is going to be there for him. He can’t even do that for himself. You. You have to answer these questions and think. Will moving away from this get you where you need to go? Where do you need to go? What is it you need? How do you get there in fact? … you see we don’t have the power to answer any of these questions. I’ts not possible. None of us have any more power over our lives than your partner does. He just is having to face it a little more bleakly, bluntly and in your face than most. Look around and take stock. Don’t ever go back to what you once had. It’s not there and you would only be going back to wreckage. So in the end. when you leave this all behind. Is he the kind of person you want to have beside you while you head to your new place in life. He’s already answered that for you so he’s faithful on that account.. And the universe has sort of pinned him in place for you so he doesn’t run around or get away. Thing is we don’t know. I can’t answer that question for you ‘hon. I can only say that if you don’t ask that question, If you don’t realize that this is a question you have to ask yourself. You can’t come back later and revisit it. It will have been whisked into the slipstream of life and think for just a second where that will leave you in relation to where you are now… I hope that this helps somebody if not you. I pray that it does. The world is hard and we all need somebody. We all will need somebody at our side because that is how we get well. And it’s going to always be a question of who we want to get well with when we are talking about a partner. Think about it. I’m truly sorry if this doesn’t seem like help but print it out and come back to it every once and a while and reflect on it once again. cheers. life is hard we need others in our life. you too. so be good to yourself. loving yourself and seeing that you get what you need right now matters more than anything else because as you see. You are prepared to do anything at this point in your life to get better from this loss of someone you loved deeply and may never see again even though they are right in front of you grinning like a dog hoping it’ going to go for a walk.. Take care and all I can say is that we must all be thinking about loving kindness to ourselves and everyone around us in this community. These acts are vital and yet so difficult. But they have to be done.
And for all my other friends and acquaintances. When that day comes when tragedy enters your life as certainly it will. This is what grieving and mourning looks like. You will have to recognize it at some point or it will take you under in it’s deadly undertow if you don’t. Tragedy is brutal and uncaring and it affects us all. That’s why it’s so important we all stick together. None of is special enough to be immune from life and together we were meant to be each others destiny and cure. That’s just what it’s all about.