I sorta hesitated about sharing this, but you know .. honest sharing in hope that some one elses experience and strength may be improved has been the foundation of my recovery from virtually everything in life..
If this helps just one person out there it will have been worth the possible shame or embarassment or fear of singling out myself or others… Be loving everyone Be kind to one another.
…you could be my partner who told me the same thing after being together eight years and 5 since my stroke. It was how it happened that still has me going through the odd day I still want to take my life. It’s much better and they are really spread out and I understand it is the pain of my injury screaming loudly at me. Telling me how badly I have been hurt. How deep my suffering is. I now know I just have to listen to it. Hold it’s hand and sit with it so it doesn’t have to suffer alone. It’s an awful feeling and I am not going to pretend that a lot of us don’t know what that is about. I’ve learned not to do anything. Just let the wave of pain pass like a scudding storm in the heat of summer. It will be okay. It will be okay. I have no effing clue what will be okay but I’ve come to trust that feeling. And you should too. .. Are you being selfish. yes you are. Very selfish. There is nothing wrong in that. Nothing at all. You need to look after yourself and have your needs met in life and caring and standing beside him will your future, your world, your dreams, your hopes have all been dashed and crushed and mangled beyond belief by this horrible tragedy. You bet you are in pain and want to run as hard and fast and far as you can. till you have to stop and put both hands on your knees and and fight off the sharp bitter pain clutching at your heart and literally squeezing the life out of it.. He probably even sees that. But he is totally powerless and is watching his life slip away from him like he’s sitting on a high speed train looking out the back window at 635km/hr. The wind is so ferocious he probably can barely breath let alone form a thought or have a conversation about this. It is what I have come to understand is a tragedy. A complete, meaningless, senseless, incoherent and above all brutal and devastating tragedy that has been visited upon you. The reason I am writing this is because it all in how you recognize this tragedy and what you want and decide to do about it. I want to flee too, He actually wants to flee this whole thing too, and he probably wants to flee with you. He no more wants to go back to what you once had either. He can’t. Ever. Even if he wanted to, just like you, his whole life has been yanked out from under his feet so completely that there is probably little hope left in his soul and the only thing sustaining him is that his brain injury has renedered him naive and unaware. The last thought the night before my partner started into what you just said above my last thought that night. And my first thought when I woke the next morning was. What one thing can I do today with my absolutely crushed abilities to make her life a little more wonderful. It’s all I ever wanted to do. But I’m not capable of that. I don’t blame her any more than I blame my condition. What I have come to understand is that both of us were handed a challenge and question we still are required to answer, struggle with, dive into the muck and filth and root around until we find that answer and pull it back out and wash it up. Clean it. Give it back the honour and place in my life it deserves. That work is going to have to be done by both of you and there will be no escaping it no matter where you run. The question is how are you going to respond to this. You can only respond. Tell yourself, how am I responding to this. If my favorite character did this in my favorite book how would I react. Would I understand their motives, Could I forgive them. Did it help, Does it even make sense. I can’t answer any of these or any of the other huge questions. They are huge and have blown a crater into both of your lives that has to be climbed out of. A circle of devastation, pain and bewilderment. Do you want him as a partner to make your way out of this because he will fight for you in unbelievable ways. It doesn’t matter to him one way or the other. He is going to be fighting for his life til the end of his days and knows you’ll be there or not.He knows in his heart there is no person there for him that is going to be there for him. He can’t even do that for himself. You. You have to answer these questions and think. Will moving away from this get you where you need to go? Where do you need to go? What is it you need? How do you get there in fact? … you see we don’t have the power to answer any of these questions. I’ts not possible. None of us have any more power over our lives than your partner does. He just is having to face it a little more bleakly, bluntly and in your face than most. Look around and take stock. Don’t ever go back to what you once had. It’s not there and you would only be going back to wreckage. So in the end. when you leave this all behind. Is he the kind of person you want to have beside you while you head to your new place in life. He’s already answered that for you so he’s faithful on that account.. And the universe has sort of pinned him in place for you so he doesn’t run around or get away. Thing is we don’t know. I can’t answer that question for you ‘hon. I can only say that if you don’t ask that question, If you don’t realize that this is a question you have to ask yourself. You can’t come back later and revisit it. It will have been whisked into the slipstream of life and think for just a second where that will leave you in relation to where you are now… I hope that this helps somebody if not you. I pray that it does. The world is hard and we all need somebody. We all will need somebody at our side because that is how we get well. And it’s going to always be a question of who we want to get well with when we are talking about a partner. Think about it. I’m truly sorry if this doesn’t seem like help but print it out and come back to it every once and a while and reflect on it once again. cheers. life is hard we need others in our life. you too. so be good to yourself. loving yourself and seeing that you get what you need right now matters more than anything else because as you see. You are prepared to do anything at this point in your life to get better from this loss of someone you loved deeply and may never see again even though they are right in front of you grinning like a dog hoping it’ going to go for a walk.. Take care and all I can say is that we must all be thinking about loving kindness to ourselves and everyone around us in this community. These acts are vital and yet so difficult. But they have to be done.
And for all my other friends and acquaintances. When that day comes when tragedy enters your life as certainly it will. This is what grieving and mourning looks like. You will have to recognize it at some point or it will take you under in it’s deadly undertow if you don’t. Tragedy is brutal and uncaring and it affects us all. That’s why it’s so important we all stick together. None of is special enough to be immune from life and together we were meant to be each others destiny and cure. That’s just what it’s all about.
So here’s some of our top-drawer offerings.
We managed to get these babies into the 2020 curriculumm and now, we’re winning prizes up there with the rest of them.
No more ‘MisterNiceGuy’. The whole line under that campaign. Ya gone. Had to use Covid but hey, we’re definitely back up and running. I mean just look at Melly’s Gold Prize she one with our help.
She got a lot of coupons out of that deal.
Saved her from a life Upside-DownWiggling. It’s 24/7 while she ate slept and chatted online with her friends and managed to rake in nearly $5,000 bucks in one week. Not bad for a 13 year old. It’s gotta suck though. Your gonna have to dread going into business with them when they grow up. Shit I’d take the Yakuza. Yah, there’s a whole channel on it on the OnlyYou-TubeChannel Network. The one with the funny corn chip ad ya. Cool, awesome.. look we gotta go. Bye
Melly’s Cool Science Fair Gold Prize 2023
3 Amazing facts I learned on google about…
“What makes dogs do those crazy things that make you love them and then you never knew!!”
1. Why do dogs always look up at you and smile and there face relaxes when you are scratching behind their ears?
Give up? It’s because you are scratching behind there ears!!
2. Why do dogs always lick their butt?
Give up? It’s because they – like it!!
3. Why do dogs always fart if they’re some type and snore if they’re another??? And this is a hard one..
Give up? Because their are some kind of dogs who fart and there’s other one’s are the kind that snore.!!! Easy eh! You could do it I bet.
I have started re-listening to archive editions of the canadian Massey Lectures.
Robert Fulford has always been a hero of mine. From his inspiration in Big Band music to has absolute passion for everything north of forty.
What strikes me the most in listening to this, is the fact that twenty years ago, this was broadcast on a weekday evening on national radio. You could tune into it directly from the airwaves for the cost of a receiver that was built to handle whatever information in the broadcast spectrum was available and that you turned the dial to.
More specifically. Our national radio service thought that canadians and people around the world listening to our powerful international shortwave service would not only be interested but capable of enjoying a talk like this. And that it might provide a springboard to interesting conversations no matter where you live.
For the price of an AA battery and a couple of Rupees, I was able to sit in an ancient wooden chair with no seat in a little town outside of Darbhanga, Bihar and listen to our national radio as late as the mid nineteen-eighties.
People gathered in squares and restaurants all over the world to listen to the radio. Radio havana cuba, deutsche-wella, radio nederlands, abc,cbc, swiss radio international, the voice of china, the voice of america. You’d listen to stuff like this after dinner, while doing the dishes or some sewing, or reading the newspaper.
I can still hear the announcers. The chimes and national clips of music drifting in and out.
But mostly I remember a globe where ideas like this spread freely, people listened, and talked about them. An age where we grew and advanced and developed. A world where civilization began to floursh.
As an important writer once stated. If the story is good. It’ll still be good years later.
This one’s a keeper
The one thing people forget. Chiclets and Wrigley’s were designed in many ways to get saliva into the mouths of 2nd WW soldiers going into battle and in the field. Mouthwatering is a constant thing with humans. So is the dry mouth of fear.
But more poignant a memory is that it provided lubricant. On the spot. Anywhere. Anytime. And girls who went out on a date with a stick of gum were always good to go. Even better if they met you with a cheeky smile casually chewing gum, head tilted to the side and their mouth open just enough to see their tongue work that wad. They always had the most hilarious laugh because it was so completely in your face and they knew it. Brazen and alive, Linda Lee, Paloma, Bunny Frazier they were all really good at it. True artists. Studied professionals of the sisterhood. These are the same kind of champions you find at Roller Derbys. They birthed a movement.
There is nothing like a full on righteous-feminist war against the mother at the front of the room. She was our state parent after all.
But the one thing she did not like were these girls and their gum. Their ‘Gum Chewing’ …It was satanic …most likely.
Gum had something to do with comic books, dark unlit places, and the lower classes.
It was communism. The whole lot of it. Red Commie Crap & Everything That Goes Along With It! Ever since that hulabaloo in Russia …Well that and teen music. But let me tell you right now mister. This is going to stop and it’s going to stop right here! right now! Those gum chewing little sluts. We’ll show them.
God they were intense.
And here we are.
I’m going to try and explain this the best way I know how so forgive me..
I am not perfect, I don’t expect to be any time soon, but I have come to know this at a very very high price.
The love you are feeling is pure and natural and yes overwhelming. It is not for nothing that when people encountered god or his angels they buried their head in the sand and yelled for it to go away. God stopped appearing to people.
My brother said something to me a couple of months ago about his current journey.
He said “I felt all this love. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was immense and I wanted to share this love I had. And then I learned it was not my love at all”.
“I learned that it was just flowing through me like wind blowing through me like november maple trees creaking and strong and bare of leaves. I learned love was a force. An intimate force that flowed everywhere and I learned how to channel that love I felt. I learned to be a conduit. I learned to let it flow through me as a channel. Powerful, good, strong, clear. I could feel that love and wasn’t scared of it any more. It carried me along and I gave it a place in my life where it coulld live”.
“And then one day. while all of that love was flowing through me. Channeled through me by the grace of god. Some one took away the conduit. And it was magical. This tube I had been living in. Feeling this powerful love flowing through. It was gone. There was no wall. And I immediately knew that this love was flowing through the entire world. The entire universe. With the same force it had flowed through my channel only now I was surrounded in it. Bathed in it. It was there the entire time waiting for me. God is love. This is the message we were asked to remember”.
I know this is really cryptic ..but it concerns the foundation of ‘why’ art.
Alex Coleville once said that the only value of a piece of art was in understanding that it may have taken the artist twenty-five, thirty, forty years of constant concentration and meditation on an idea before he can actually grapple with it as a subject. Personally the expression wrestling with angels would not be an understatement.
He does the absolute best his soul can muster from absolutely everything from his core and depths of his inheritance, culture, antiquity, acumen and skill. To discern properly is what it is about. To discern from all the other possibilities that it is in fact this clear. That it can be represented. That it can be brought into the world and exist.
And the artists struggles with this in the wilderness as a shepherd watches over flocks in remote fields. It is appropriate. And then he returns to the marketplace. And he sells his goods. They are valuable.
[What has changed is the next bit. And it is everything…. ]
The person takes the piece home and lives with it not knowing they have purchased a ticking time bomb. A grenade with the pin pulled waiting to go off.
They will live with it for years and years and years. In a hallway, over breakfast, in a kitchen or somewhere common. Somewhere unubtrusive and common but in constant sight.
And then, just like the artist. Often years and years later. One day they will look at the painting and it will go off like a bomb. All of a sudden they will get exactly what this painting is about.
And like a crashing symphony, for a brief period, our world comes crashing down while we try and reorganize and understand this massive shift in what we thought to be common and everyday.
Exhilarating, frightening, shocking, liberating, sensual, passionate, often hypnotic and absorbing. It is a disturbing experience to come to realizations about ones selve and this world. Who we are and our place in it.
It is something the artist struggles with from the moment they are born. And as Picasso said. The best they can do in their sojourn into the wilderness is to plant a way-sign here and there to say we have been here before and give hopeful and meager comfort to one another engaged in this journey.
We can make our pieces, our little homilies, exhortations and prayers and cast them upon the wind. And through our work we may be able to hammer just one more plank onto the struggling raft of life.
I don’t apologize for putting it this way nor for paraphrasing the words of my brother, picasso or alex coleville. All heroes and well known to me.
Everywhere I went this morning, the burdock and chicory were in full bloom.
Just a Short Note: To all of you who have been following over the years. Thank you!
It has been an extremely difficult year and I appreciate everyone’s patience. I have sorely missed my work here and on the Incowrimo page. I have til the end of the month to find a suitable place to live longer term and hopefully re-obtain a permanent address which will allow me access to municipal and regional services.
There is a great deal to fill in. All in good time. Thanks again to everyone.
There’s something to be said about having two or three hours behind you and another ten or so ahead. Sade cranked up way too loud in the overheated cab.
The window’s still wide open beside your head. With a constant wet hiss from the road, you can almost tast the salt and heavily sanded moisture in the air.
No particular rush to get there. You’re making good time and the light’s still good..
You settle down and crank up the window. Leaving it open a crack.
Something to be said for days like this.